Gossip is poison! And I’ve noticed gossip is one of those things these days that is so common in relationships, in our conversations and in our cultural experience, that we hardly even notice it anymore. Let me show you how to stop gossip.
Let me start off by saying that I have gossiped…
I’m not proud of it. It’s horribly wrong. And I have had to ask for forgiveness and repent both personally and publicly over speaking badly or out of turn about people I that I love and know well, or at times, barely knew at all. I hate that I have done this. And I hate when others have gossiped about me. Gossip sucks.
Click to download the ‘Ultimate Guide to Stopping Gossip’ for Free.
A life-long mentor of mine defined gossip this way: “Gossip is speaking to someone who is neither directly part of the problem or the solution in a situation, concerning another person who is not present.” That’s super helpful. But I’ve seen (and repented of) hiding behind the guise of trying to help another person by spreading their issues around or talking behind their back.
It’ still gossip, and it’s still wrong.
An ancient Proverb in the Hebrew scriptures says, “Whoever goes about slandering or gossiping reveals secrets, but he or she who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered.” Proverbs 11:13
Here are 7 reasons that gossip is pure poison:
1. It feeds a false (and ugly) sense of superiority in our own hearts. One of the main reasons–the thing behind the thing–that cause us to gossip or speak badly behind the back of another person is that it somehow makes us feel a little better about ourselves, or our own shortcomings and failed endeavors. We secretly and falsely believe that we are better than that person. And we don’t recognize that we have probably done (or certainly could do) the exact same things that person is accused of, or worse!
2. It sows dis-trust among your team, family and friends. When your friends or co-workers hear you tearing someone else down–even when painted with a false sense of care for that individual–it causes others who hear you to wonder what you may be saying about them when they are not around. Not good. If you value open and trusting relationships, avoid gossip and off-handed talk about others all together.
3. It harms your personal Christian or spiritual witness. If you’re a Christian, or someone who has strong spiritual convictions and cares about others, you stand to severely deteriorate the perception of your opinions and values in the eyes of others when you participate in gossip and backbiting. How can someone trust what you say about God is true when they cannot trust themselves with you?
4. It destroys your integrity. In business, ministry or with friends, your integrity is more valuable than gold. The definition of integrity from Merriam-Webster’s dictionary: the quality of being honest and fair; the state of being complete or whole. Talking about another person that is not present, or in a negative manner brings question upon your character.[clickToTweet tweet=”Talking about someone that is not present in a negative manner brings question upon YOUR character.” quote=”Talking about another person that is not present in a negative manner brings question upon YOUR character.”]
5. It harms (or ends) relationships. Have you ever heard that someone was talking about you, and not in a very positive light? I’ll bet it did not feel good or serve to draw you closer to that person or add warmth to your relationship. Gossip never builds up another person or serves to strengthen a relationship. In fact, it is one way to almost certainly destroy or severely strain one.
6. It ruins reputations. Depending on your role in an organization, your age or perceived authority, what you say about others can carry a lot of weight. When you gossip about a person it can have lasting and unrepairable repercussions. I have seen situations where gossip has destroyed careers, ministries and families. Think about what is truly at stake before you enter into a gossiping conversation about others. And while you’re at it, think about how you’d feel if the shoe were on the other foot.
7. It Will Come Back to Haunt You. Author Paul Myers, says, “Gossip is like a fired bullet. Once you hear the sound, you can’t take it back.” Just recently a friend of mine went through great pains trying to reconcile a relationship with another friend over gossip and harsh words that were spoken years ago. The man who had said these hard things had been mis-informed and passed that wrong information along to others not knowing it had made it’s way back to my friend. Pretty sticky situation.
Click to download the ‘Ultimate Guide to Stopping Gossip’ for Free.
3 Ways to Stop Gossip
1. Start by determining if what is being said is gossip. Ask yourself if you are either part of the problem or the solution. And if the person you are talking to fits both of these criteria. If not, it’s gossip. If you are talking about another person who is not present and able to add their part of the story and perspective, it’s probably gossip. Don’t hide behind the fallacy that says, “Yeah, but it’s not gossip if it’s true…” (It still is.) Or, “But, it’s for their good…” No it’s not. Change the subject.
2. Stop gossip before it starts. If a conversation you’re in turns toward gossip, remember, you don’t have to participate in it. To avoid offending those you are with who may be gossiping about someone, you can turn the focus of the conversation to yourself by saying something like, “You know, I wasn’t there for that, so I really can’t say.” Or, “I was not involved in that conversation and probably don’t have the full picture. It would be better if I kept my thoughts on this to myself.”
3. Play the role of advocate. One of the easiest ways to gain friends, be trusted and seen as someone others can trust is to play the role of advocate. Whenever you have the chance in a conversation, take the role of an advocate for the “defenseless” in a situation. Offer suggestions that perhaps we don’t know the whole story, or that of course, like this individual, we have probably been guilty of the same accusations before. I have found (and seen others model) that when you stick up for the defenseless, even those who may be guilty, you throw cold water on the harsh and progressive march of negative gossip while actually modeling the heart of Jesus on behalf of this entire world. Pretty cool.[clickToTweet tweet=”Whenever you encounter gossip, avoid it or crush it. It is pure poison!” quote=”Whenever you encounter gossip, avoid it or crush it. It is pure poison!”]
Whenever you suspect or encounter gossip the next best time to avoid or crush it is now. Be the advocate. Guard your heart and guard your tongue.
To go even deeper into this topic, listen to this episode of the Lifeschool Podcast.
Question: How have you been hurt by gossip from others? How has this changed you? Please leave me your thoughts and comments, I’d love to hear them and learn from them.
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